entry 7: pan’s labyrinth

So I finally got around to watching this film today. I have seen only a few other movies that portray the ugliness and beauty of humanity as well as this.

Give it a go if you can handle some pretty gruesome violence.

entry 6: chrysalis

On the mornings that are not hard (the mornings I want more sleep but can’t have it) I get to wake up to kisses, coffee and fresh fruit. On the way out of the door I get words that make me stronger, this morning for example; “go be information”. These words may or may not make sense to you but they mean the world to me.

That was a small glimpse of who my wife is through a veiled window. To live in this reality is to feel the words you may hear in my house from time to time: “beyond words”.

All of this to say that to love and to be loved is one of the greatest mysteries I can spend my life devoted to.

Then there are times when I’m low. I received a phone call from one of my closest friends on sunday night. This particular conversation was melancholy. He called me from the other side of the country to tell me that a job oppurtunity on that coast was now open to him. It’s a good thing and I love that it’s happening. But change hurts sometimes. The week before and after my wedding was the most turbulent my life has ever been.

After the conversation I realized I was at a pinnacle of a change that has been a long time coming. I have been standing in the shade of some friends of mine and as of right now I’m in the burning reality of creating new enviroments for people that I don’t know that will be better off for knowing me and my wife.

This has been an ambition for us that we’ve considered a lot this past year. Theoretical cocoons are shedding to make room for pragmatic wings. And this shedding process hurts. I was feeling alone sunday night. It was as if the world had turned and left me in a place that I wasn’t ready to handle. I felt isolated. Cut off. Betrayed. Cheated. Stuck.

Emilie coached me through the night and I came to a place where all of that couldn’t be further from the truth. The microcosms that are outside our own can and will change. Detachment and human drama is inevitable (insert ‘I heart huckabees’). I’m realizing who can and can’t “get me” and who I can count on at all times.

entry 5: efficient words

To be is to do. – Immanuel Kant

entry 4: wine buying antics

Last night Emilie and I celebrated our one month anniversary.

Among many other happenings that went down this night one particular incident has changed my life forever.

As we were driving around greater Orlando we drove by a privately owned liquor store and at that moment we both had the idea of enjoying some wine together.

Admittedly, we both are not experts on the complexity of wine (to what extent you will find out later) but we do at least know what merlot, pinot noir, caberet savignon, chardonay, white zinfindel, riesling, champagne and a common blush wine taste like.

Upon entering this particular store however was a bit overwhelming. For one it was quite a large place that was for the most part adorned with art deco and various other intricate ornamentation. It was somewhat impressive. We eventually found our way to the wine and found ourselves in the middle of the daunting task of the reciprocal question “what wine do you want to drink?” that for a time had no answer. Some time later we decided on what we would take to the register. The oldest bottle we cared to find, a 2001 Louis Jadot. We were both clueless on how it would taste.

At the register, I asked for an opinion of the bottle we decided on. What we got was a language I didn’t know existed. I can only assume that this worker realized how stunned and confused Emilie and I looked when he sunk to our level and said “Just let it breathe. It’ll be fine”.

I’m pretty sure this is going to be a regular part of my vocabulary.

“My house is burning down! Someone call for help!”

“Just let it breathe. It’ll be fine”

entry 3: shavat

More often than not my occupation, if nothing else, can be called exhausting.

It’s not that it is difficult; saying that it is difficult would imply that I have a hard time meeting the standard of what is expected of me, which I don’t. At all. In fact, most of the time I find myself coasting through the duties that are expected of me. The exhaustion comes when I have to perform the duties of two to three people simultaneously and then enjoy the obligatory hours of overtime.

I’m sure you can relate.

As of today, I have been married for one month. When people ask me how it is, the most concise and honest response I usually give them is that “it is the hardest and best thing I have ever done in my life”. It’s hard because unlike my job, I’m not excellent at it just yet and I want to be. I think most people have the “I’m not ____ but I want to be”. Something to push towards, to achieve, to make happen. A goal. It’s part of what makes us alive; human beings are not supposed to just exist in one place, we are moving and dynamic.

This is a good thing. But, as some people say, too much of a good thing is a bad thing. Rest is vital. Most people consider sleep to be enough. For the the Jews of the ancient Near East and Orthodox Jews/Christians today this isn’t true. They observe the sabbath which is a day devoted to the idea of rest. A break from our moving a dynamic nature.

This is an idea that I appreciate but rarely take time to practice. The problem was two-fold for me; one was that my western paradigm is a hard one to break and two, is that nouns (ideas) are too easy to agree with. It’s when the understanding of the verb comes the noun permeates.

The idea of Sabbath comes from the Hebrew verb Shavat. Shavat literally means “to cease”. I think the idea of ceasing of what you do the other six days of the week is beautiful. It’s a paradox in that it is the active pursuit of the inactivity of your normal mode of operation. I want to make this happen more in the life I get to share with my wife.

More Hawaiian fiestas need to happen.

entry 2: creativity/symmetry

According to the source of all knowledge (who else can I speak of but wikipedia.com?) symmetry means ” ‘constancy’, i.e. if something retains a certain feature even after we change a way of looking at it, then it is symmetric.”

So much of the human experience is framed on the idea that there are abstract constants that no matter how you look at them are central to the core of that which makes a person human. Maslow pondered this when he birthed a certain hierarchy of needs; in the upper tier of this hierarchy, creativity is listed.

Human beings have the ability to create.

Hell happens on earth when people not only ignore other peoples needs, but make it an objective to make the opposite of their need happen. If a person needs love, someone fills their life with hate.

This is where the old idea of dualism comes in.

There is a kabbalistic idea that is absolutely fascinating. There is God, who is good and the creator of everything that is unseen, which is to say, the spiritual element of life, which is infinite and inherently good. Then there is the opposite of God, this Demiurge who is responsible for creating the physical universe that is finite and inherently evil.

I want the connections in my life to be strengthened by the abstracts that don’t have price tags. Those symmetrical abstracts that are ultimately good.

entry 1: preface

I find that there is a tension between the macro and micro in this world.

This isn’t a new idea.

I’ve heard it said that wisdom is the understanding one has when one realizes how exactly connected everything is. When I’m at my lowest, I want to gain absolute control and destroy everything that I’ve put into my life; to literally tear those connections apart. Some people are nihilists by what they assume to be their nature. The truth is though, at this moment in time, we all exist together and that the words I’m typing now are in some way impacting you.

Our connection is undeniable.

One of my favorite movies of all time is a recent one; V for Vendetta. In this film, there is a very symbolic scene in which V sets up an elaborate formation of dominoes, which inevitably he knocks over. All of them connect and collide in consecutive order, except for one that stands in the middle. This sequence is very telling of how I see the world work. There is that which goes on all around you and then there is your individual voice in the midst of it.

The micro and macro.