entry 18: rip off your bandage

It almost makes sense when people want to pull their bandages off slowly. Almost. The common assumption is that the slower you go the less it will hurt.

We both know though that, sadly, this isn’t the case. What always happens is that when you take your time you are doubling the pain that you would experience more intensely only for an instant. This said, it makes logical sense to go the quicker but more painful route every. single. time.

But this doesn’t happen always does it?

Is it that we are all secretly masochists? No, I hardly ever think that is the case. What I think it comes down to is that the natural inclination in most people is that they think that this very quick and intense pain is more than what they can bear. They are afraid to face reality all at once and so they hide behind this slow, dull, numbing pain that creates the illusion of things really not being all that bad.

The ironic thing is that it usually is never as bad as what we make it out to be in our minds. It’s this fear that keeps us on this slow and destructive course. We find ourselves doing the predicatable and safe but at the end of the day we stand deceived because reality isn’t represented.

In order to live a life loved, I’ve learned that reality in all it’s fullness must be present. If that means taking a shot of quick and intense hurt every now and again, then so be it. As much as it hurts; it has to be remembered that it only lasts an instant and in the end your time and your love are your most precious resources.

entry 17: logic and empathy

A close friend of mine is going through the fallout of experiencing the worst breakup of his life.

This is tough on him and me and many people around him. Depression isn’t an isolated emotion; it spills over on to the lives of others and it hurts. The crazy thing is that it’s supposed to work like this, sometimes I think it would be so much easier if people didn’t effect each other. The reality is though, our actions and words do impact each other and because of this relationship is necessary.

All relationships matter; it’s just that the stakes are so much higher when you happen to be close with someone. Up until recently this has been a point of stress for me (I’ll get to why specifically in a moment). This is such a crucial period for my friend that is going through all of this and for me it serves as a reminder of where I once was. This memory haunts me every time I happen to be around him; it’s like I’m looking at mirror of myself from a few years ago. You see, I too was heavilly impacted by the fallout of a bad breakup.

Back when I went through my summer of depression the community that I was a part of failed me (save for a couple of close friends I have to this day one of which became my wife). They either completely ignored what I was going through or tried to medicate me by methods of substance abuse. Suffice it to say, these haphazard friends got me nowhere fast.

With all of this in mind I have been speaking all the words I wish someone spoke to me back then. So much of it is just direct logic. My thinking was “I can spare my friend all of this hurt if he just hears _____” and while this may be the purest of motives it is slightly misguided. As right and valued as my logic might be empathy has to come first. In this particular instance empathy came as an afterthought. As I became aware of this I became painfully aware that this is a habit pattern of mine.

My tendency is to use logic as a means to eliminate emotional pain. The interesting reality is that sometimes people just need to grieve. For a long time I thought that this grieving tendency in people was just emotional masochism, it seemed to me that people want to stay hurt. Nothing could be further from the truth; it’s not that people want to stay hurt it’s that they need to stay hurt for a time. It’s out of necessity that these emotions take time to process, not choice.

I’ve worked on sharpening my logical mind for a long time, my empathetic heart needs more work. Whatever empathy I do happen to have I credit my wife in bringing this out these days. She has the most beautiful heart.

entry 16: 04.2007 – 04.2008

- 2k debt paid off
- moved from participating in a house church to leading one
- our house church was specifically selected to work in a HIV/AIDS hospice in South Africa
- Emilie has someone she mentors unofficially
- I have someone I mentor officially
- Emilie and I have read two worldview shaping books together
- I was able to watch one of my favorite bands perform live (interpol)
- Emilie was able to watch one of her favorite bands perform live (matchbox twenty)
- Emilie and I have been able to spend quite a bit of time with her grandparents in south florida learning from an older generations wisdom.
- Moved into 2/2 with Matt my brother-in-law

etc.