A close friend of mine is going through the fallout of experiencing the worst breakup of his life.
This is tough on him and me and many people around him. Depression isn’t an isolated emotion; it spills over on to the lives of others and it hurts. The crazy thing is that it’s supposed to work like this, sometimes I think it would be so much easier if people didn’t effect each other. The reality is though, our actions and words do impact each other and because of this relationship is necessary.
All relationships matter; it’s just that the stakes are so much higher when you happen to be close with someone. Up until recently this has been a point of stress for me (I’ll get to why specifically in a moment). This is such a crucial period for my friend that is going through all of this and for me it serves as a reminder of where I once was. This memory haunts me every time I happen to be around him; it’s like I’m looking at mirror of myself from a few years ago. You see, I too was heavilly impacted by the fallout of a bad breakup.
Back when I went through my summer of depression the community that I was a part of failed me (save for a couple of close friends I have to this day one of which became my wife). They either completely ignored what I was going through or tried to medicate me by methods of substance abuse. Suffice it to say, these haphazard friends got me nowhere fast.
With all of this in mind I have been speaking all the words I wish someone spoke to me back then. So much of it is just direct logic. My thinking was “I can spare my friend all of this hurt if he just hears _____” and while this may be the purest of motives it is slightly misguided. As right and valued as my logic might be empathy has to come first. In this particular instance empathy came as an afterthought. As I became aware of this I became painfully aware that this is a habit pattern of mine.
My tendency is to use logic as a means to eliminate emotional pain. The interesting reality is that sometimes people just need to grieve. For a long time I thought that this grieving tendency in people was just emotional masochism, it seemed to me that people want to stay hurt. Nothing could be further from the truth; it’s not that people want to stay hurt it’s that they need to stay hurt for a time. It’s out of necessity that these emotions take time to process, not choice.
I’ve worked on sharpening my logical mind for a long time, my empathetic heart needs more work. Whatever empathy I do happen to have I credit my wife in bringing this out these days. She has the most beautiful heart.
