entry 12: personal definitions [1]

HOME: The place I’m able to create with my family. Sanctuary must exist in home in order for it to be home. This is the place that family is able to gather strength to expend outside of home. Information is the currency of home.

FAMILY: People that maintain a connection that goes beyond friendship. This connection is only made possible by love. I have been born into family. My wife and I chose each other to be family. One day life will be breathed through the family we have chosen and new life will be added to it.

INFORMATION: Love given through knowledge.

LOVE: Divine nature. Humanity at it’s best manifests it.

TRIBE: The brothers and sisters outside of biology that I choose to share my life with.

MONEY: A resource I gain from the work of my hands and give meaning to from the work of my mind. What I purchase stands as a tribute to the effort of both.

entry 11: the love of life

Last night I heard a man speak. For those that catch the reference, he was the best parts Rob Bell and Jon Tyson. What that means is that this man named Trent is one of the most compelling and profoundly moving speakers I have encountered in my life thus far.

About a month ago, I finished ‘Atlas Shrugged’. It was absolutely essential in making this new way of life concrete. The primary theme that became solid in my life as I digested this opus was this: my life is to be loved, through this love of my life I become equipped to create the life I want free of those that might attempt to loot off my effort.

All of this is to say, is that the past several months has been devoted to me waking up to a new type of humanity. Each morning I attempt to wake myself by splashing water on my face, it never quite works because, I love my home and quite often I’m not brave enough to go outside. This has been due in part to the vicious game I’ve seen people play with those that create their life.

I understand more so now than ever the nature of the game that goes on outside my front door. Evil is a supression of what it means to be human which leads to destruction. Trent mentioned a Rabbi last night by the name of Hillel that was asked to sum up the hebrew law, to which he answered “That which is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow. That is the whole Torah; the rest is the explanation; go and learn.” while this is nearly true it misses the mark by being a “do not”. Jesus turned this on it’s head when he said “Do to others what you would want done to you”. I love that Jesus teaches to go and “do”. When I hear this teaching, I hear “Go, become human! Be alive! Love your life and create”.

Last night Emilie started a conversation that I thought I wasn’t ready to have and didn’t know that I needed. Like most good information, it hurt. I went into my past and I realized just how much I had compromised. I realized just how much humanity I had supressed. This won’t happen any longer. At this point I am solid and I am ready to be made sharp.

entry 10: effective communication

If you are intended for marriage, you rest on the hope that being married has a significant hand in transforming you into the best version of you attainable. While you are being transformed into your best by your spouse you do the same for them; transforming them into their best. This is unity.

We’ve been talking quite a bit about information. Information by visual art, Information by words spoken, Information by words written. In order to achieve the type of change we want to create in this world we have to master communication. This requires quick adaptation in unfamiliar social situations, confidence in the words we speak and effeciency for those that don’t have the attention span to listen for long (thank you MTV). This effectiveness in communication also reaps positive results in the context of a marriage. You speak the words you mean. The removal of personal agenda.

This all may seem absolutely obvious. Some people would most likely say that “that is the way it ought to be; I’d love to live my life honestly, but the world doesn’t work like that, be realistic”. I’m learning that the world is really what you make of it. If you are truly alive you have the ability to create anything you want to see. It makes all the difference when you speak with your spouse (or anyone for that matter) and they truly listen because they are assured in knowing that you are truly listening to them. And this looks like conversations that don’t have responses that only piggyback on your words to prove the other persons point. In conversation, I will listen to what you speak and I will trade with you the words I intend to speak; and this will benefit us both.

I’m about halfway through ‘Atlas Shrugged’ and I recently read a speech by one of the characters in the book about the nature of money. He talked much about how money is the symbol that represents trade among men. As he was talking about this I was thinking that this is true for money as well as truth. I work quite hard to attain the truth I know, it’s a process that is as intellectually taxing as it is emotionally, so the words I give you are the payment for the words I hope to get from you. I want the best so I’m willing to do all I can to give you the best. I want the environments that we create to be filled with people of this ethic.

entry 9: unspoken

Last night I had a conversation with my wife about the idea of “resume-building”. Not so much in the money making career sort of way, but rather, the idea of the resume that you build that becomes the person of you.

Everyone has a list of experiences they can draw upon; some good, some not so good; but the stuff a fully-human person is made of is what you learn/achieve from those experiences. And of course this is most telling when it is physically quantified. This is where the story of your life flows and where your history happens. It’s beautiful.

More impressive though is when stories are not so much told but perceived. I aspire to have my history precede me. Jesus said to “not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing”. I’ve always agreed with this. I love the idea of speaking when necessary and letting your words be few and effective. Nietzsche aspired to have ten of his sentences speak more than ten books from others.

Currently, I am systematically shaping my history with my wife. We want our actions to speak for themselves and our desire is to leave no room for error. This “resume-building” takes time and I want our eventual expertise to be world shaping.

entry 8: IF

IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:If you can dream – and not make dreams your master;
If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ‘em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on!”

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
‘ Or walk with Kings – nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And – which is more – you’ll be a Man, my son!

-Rudyard Kipling (1909)

entry 7: pan’s labyrinth

So I finally got around to watching this film today. I have seen only a few other movies that portray the ugliness and beauty of humanity as well as this.

Give it a go if you can handle some pretty gruesome violence.

entry 6: chrysalis

On the mornings that are not hard (the mornings I want more sleep but can’t have it) I get to wake up to kisses, coffee and fresh fruit. On the way out of the door I get words that make me stronger, this morning for example; “go be information”. These words may or may not make sense to you but they mean the world to me.

That was a small glimpse of who my wife is through a veiled window. To live in this reality is to feel the words you may hear in my house from time to time: “beyond words”.

All of this to say that to love and to be loved is one of the greatest mysteries I can spend my life devoted to.

Then there are times when I’m low. I received a phone call from one of my closest friends on sunday night. This particular conversation was melancholy. He called me from the other side of the country to tell me that a job oppurtunity on that coast was now open to him. It’s a good thing and I love that it’s happening. But change hurts sometimes. The week before and after my wedding was the most turbulent my life has ever been.

After the conversation I realized I was at a pinnacle of a change that has been a long time coming. I have been standing in the shade of some friends of mine and as of right now I’m in the burning reality of creating new enviroments for people that I don’t know that will be better off for knowing me and my wife.

This has been an ambition for us that we’ve considered a lot this past year. Theoretical cocoons are shedding to make room for pragmatic wings. And this shedding process hurts. I was feeling alone sunday night. It was as if the world had turned and left me in a place that I wasn’t ready to handle. I felt isolated. Cut off. Betrayed. Cheated. Stuck.

Emilie coached me through the night and I came to a place where all of that couldn’t be further from the truth. The microcosms that are outside our own can and will change. Detachment and human drama is inevitable (insert ‘I heart huckabees’). I’m realizing who can and can’t “get me” and who I can count on at all times.

entry 5: efficient words

To be is to do. – Immanuel Kant

entry 4: wine buying antics

Last night Emilie and I celebrated our one month anniversary.

Among many other happenings that went down this night one particular incident has changed my life forever.

As we were driving around greater Orlando we drove by a privately owned liquor store and at that moment we both had the idea of enjoying some wine together.

Admittedly, we both are not experts on the complexity of wine (to what extent you will find out later) but we do at least know what merlot, pinot noir, caberet savignon, chardonay, white zinfindel, riesling, champagne and a common blush wine taste like.

Upon entering this particular store however was a bit overwhelming. For one it was quite a large place that was for the most part adorned with art deco and various other intricate ornamentation. It was somewhat impressive. We eventually found our way to the wine and found ourselves in the middle of the daunting task of the reciprocal question “what wine do you want to drink?” that for a time had no answer. Some time later we decided on what we would take to the register. The oldest bottle we cared to find, a 2001 Louis Jadot. We were both clueless on how it would taste.

At the register, I asked for an opinion of the bottle we decided on. What we got was a language I didn’t know existed. I can only assume that this worker realized how stunned and confused Emilie and I looked when he sunk to our level and said “Just let it breathe. It’ll be fine”.

I’m pretty sure this is going to be a regular part of my vocabulary.

“My house is burning down! Someone call for help!”

“Just let it breathe. It’ll be fine”

entry 3: shavat

More often than not my occupation, if nothing else, can be called exhausting.

It’s not that it is difficult; saying that it is difficult would imply that I have a hard time meeting the standard of what is expected of me, which I don’t. At all. In fact, most of the time I find myself coasting through the duties that are expected of me. The exhaustion comes when I have to perform the duties of two to three people simultaneously and then enjoy the obligatory hours of overtime.

I’m sure you can relate.

As of today, I have been married for one month. When people ask me how it is, the most concise and honest response I usually give them is that “it is the hardest and best thing I have ever done in my life”. It’s hard because unlike my job, I’m not excellent at it just yet and I want to be. I think most people have the “I’m not ____ but I want to be”. Something to push towards, to achieve, to make happen. A goal. It’s part of what makes us alive; human beings are not supposed to just exist in one place, we are moving and dynamic.

This is a good thing. But, as some people say, too much of a good thing is a bad thing. Rest is vital. Most people consider sleep to be enough. For the the Jews of the ancient Near East and Orthodox Jews/Christians today this isn’t true. They observe the sabbath which is a day devoted to the idea of rest. A break from our moving a dynamic nature.

This is an idea that I appreciate but rarely take time to practice. The problem was two-fold for me; one was that my western paradigm is a hard one to break and two, is that nouns (ideas) are too easy to agree with. It’s when the understanding of the verb comes the noun permeates.

The idea of Sabbath comes from the Hebrew verb Shavat. Shavat literally means “to cease”. I think the idea of ceasing of what you do the other six days of the week is beautiful. It’s a paradox in that it is the active pursuit of the inactivity of your normal mode of operation. I want to make this happen more in the life I get to share with my wife.

More Hawaiian fiestas need to happen.